Friday, 11 May 2012

How things could have been....

I'm sorry I have not blogged for a while. I have been busy organising things for our auction which is taking place in October. We will be raising money for the wonderful Alder Hey Imagine Appeal - a charity close to our hearts. Erin was admitted to Alder Hey Children's Hospital when she was 1 day old and she spent the rest of her life in their kind and loving care. I am hoping that we can raise a lot of money for them. We should have the venue confirmed soon and continue to get amazing donations of prizes from twitter.

Often when I have been organising things since little Erin passed away, I am struck by how things could have been and the things that I should be organising in their place. This first occured when arranging Erin's funeral which took place on 12th December 2011. I spent hours and hours trying to find the perfect hymns, the perfect songs and the perfect readings. I felt like there were so many things that I was no longer going to be able to do for my most precious little girl that I had to make her funeral the best that is possibly could be. I poured all the love and pride that I felt for her as well as all the anguish and torment that I felt at her death into the planning of that day; all the time thinking that this was so wrong - that no one should have to plan their child's funeral. I couldn't help but think that I should be planning her christening instead - this was the normal thing for a new parent to do and was something that I had thought about when pregnant. Where would we hold it, who would do the food, what kind of outfit would Erin wear......I never got to make those decisions. Instead of organising a christening to celebrate the birth of my beautiful baby girl, here I was organising her funeral. It all felt very wrong and so very cruel.

I have been struck by similar thoughts whilst organising the auction. It is to take place in October, shortly before Erin's first birthday. I can't help but think that this is what I should be organising instead - a party to celebrate the first year of my gorgeous girl's life. Instead we will be raising money in her memory; money for a truly wonderful hospital who help thousands and thousands of children every year. I will always wish that we could be doing this fundraising with little Erin in our arms, but as we cannot we will do it proudly in her name - as ever inspired by her wonderful spirit, her amazing bravery and our immense pride at being her mummy and daddy.


  1. WOW!! I felt/feel the same way, but never really focused on it until your post. Thanks for your candor. HUGS!

  2. It's a quite interesting post.

  3. Your right life is cruel and planning an auction instead of a birthday party is not what you should be doing and we know exactly how this feels. You are doing the best for your daughter in the only way you can its too easy to give up but you are being extremely brave doing what you do and you should be very proud. david x